We talk about marriage, mostly about how I am unsure when I will be able to commit to him in marriage. It isn't that I am not willing to give myself, because a good marriage seems to be rewarding in so many ways, on so many levels, and happily married couples convey that I am missing out on something good. I want to be ready, want to be excited about getting engaged, planning a wedding, and living a good married life. But I am not ready.

I'll say it again: I am not ready.

On second thought, maybe "ready" is the wrong word. "Convinced" seems more appropriate. I am not convinced that I will make a good wife right now, given my insecurities about marriage. It's the assumptions of marriage that bother me. Yes, I am willing to share my life, but that doesn't mean that I am assuming anything. A marriage should be about friendship between two people with common goals in life, two people who care for each other immensely, two people who want to share their lives with one another, make a family with one another, take care of that family and one another.

I try to explain how I feel to my partner and I think he gets most of it. I explain that love changes over time and you can't count on it to be the glue between two people. There needs to be more. Yes, I will be good to him, support him, look to him for comfort, continue to nourish our friendship. I am already envious of our children; they will have a father that is a hundred times better than the one I have. This is the glue I need to stick with this: That he is good to me and my family, that he is a great boyfriend and friend, and that he will be a wonderful father. I'm not counting on love or trusting in God to hold us together. A marriage requires more than love, more than what is said in traditional wedding vows. (Well, that's how I interpret marriage.) My glue is the person himself. I'm counting on the facts this time.

My partner sent me this the other day: The Lift of Love. The article articulates that which I cannot. Makes me believe that he must get at least most of what I am saying and that he feels the same way.

The very same day, I found this: He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. I was in the exact position of this woman at one time. It's comforting and heart breaking all at once. Comforting to know that I am not alone; heart breaking because it is confusing to have wanted a man to propose to you for so long that by the time he does, you forget why you wanted it so badly to begin with.

Both of these articles leave me wondering if more people feel this way about marrying their significant other but attribute their feelings to cold feet and go through with the marriage any how. Could this be why the divorce rate is so high? Are more and more people dismissing their gut feelings? Or are they relying only on love when they enter marriage?

And so I am waiting until I am sure that we know what we will expect of each other in marriage. I'm waiting for time to pass, for the fireworks to fade, for the butterflies to end, and all this will assuage my fear that he is marrying me for the wrong reasons. I want him to marry me for reasons that are above and beyond love.